the call and the fall

I couldn't stop thinking about the disciples.

Pastor Mike was talking about the flogging of Jesus the day he was crucified, encouraging us to imagine the brutality of the hours leading up to the long walk to Golgotha.

I couldn't stop thinking about those hiding in the wings.  Jesus' disciples.  I considered their call.  Their betrayal.  The shame and fear they must have felt.

It had started years earlier, at the booth of the tax collector, at the edge of the Sea of Galilee - the call: "Follow me."  "Take up your cross and follow me."

I wonder if on the day of the crucifixion, those words rang in their ears to the cadence of the scourging.  "Take up your cross..."  "Follow me..."

And they hid.
He died.
And they hid.
The women cared for the body.

Jesus called them to follow Him, even to take up their crosses, and instead self-preservation kicked in at full force.  They denied ever knowing the Savior to whom they had pledged their lives and future.

Doubt, sorrow, confusion, fear and shame; all must have mingled in a rich mixture of emotion.

I imagine it started at Passover, only hours before.  While commemorating the Exodus, Jesus identified himself as the lamb whose blood would be spilled for the firstborn children of Israel.  He asked them to eat and drink in remembrance of Him, he told them betrayal would come from among them.  In the shock and confusion of his words, they stumbled over themselves to declare their allegiance.  Not twenty-four hours later, Jesus was indeed betrayed by one of his own.

And then the real choice begin.  "Am I really willing to stake my life on Jesus' preposterous claim to be the Messiah?  He's going to be killed, he's gonna need me to stay alive by whatever means possible so I can continue advancing the kingdom of heaven.  So I'll lay low for a while, tell people what they want to hear, deny Jesus; it's for a greater good, I swear it!"

And so, much like Judas, the remaining eleven disciples too betrayed the one they knew to be the Messiah.

And he died.

And, in the midst of incredible sorrow and doubt that he was who he claimed to be, the disciples felt justified in their decision to hunker down.

And then three days later, they received word from the women.

"He is risen!"

And they stumbled over themselves to declare their allegiance.

And it began again.